0 Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I automatically lashed back in defense. 

It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be, worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.

Perfume, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. 

I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night." That was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I needed my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. 

Just because something isn't spoken about, doesn't mean it's not important. A relationship or marriage is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts'

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0 How To Save My Marriage

Save Your Marriage Using a Little-Acclaimed Secret Ingredient!

Has your relationship gone stale and you want to know what it will take to save your marriage? Or, have your differences been tearing you apart, leading to fight after fight, often followed by long, cold distances?

You’re not alone. The divorce statistics are sobering. And yet, there are many married couples who represent the marriages that succeed.

What do they know that the unsuccessful group wishes they knew, too? Read on…

A Critical Ingredient to Save Your Marriage

There’s one big mistake many couples repeat day in and day out: talking about their problems non-stop.

Don’t get me wrong – talking about the issues in your marriage is important. But talking about them constantly is unhealthy, boring and likely to stifle the emotional connection with your spouse.

Similarly, spending every waking moment taking care of work and chores, or talking about who will take care of work and chores, is like starving your marriage of the vital nutrients it needs for survival.

I know you are busy and the pace of your world has picked up tremendously, and often you feel like you barely have time to breathe. It seems there’s no time for anything else.

When marriages go into this type of crisis mode, where the emotional connection has been eroded due to everyday problems and concerns, there is one problem cropping up over and over again. It’s a problem that many people fail to address, and it’s one that often ends up destroying the marriage: a lack of fun.

Every couple faces similar challenges: balancing the day-to-day concerns with keeping the relationship alive. It’s a struggle to varying degrees, depending on personalities, whether there are kids in the picture, economic considerations and career demands.

A lot of these things can drive couples to engage in a great deal of conflict. But not all couples who are in this state of crisis go on to divorce. What’s different about them?

Having fun with your partner is one of the most important aspects of your relationship. Dating and having a good time is what brought you together in the first place. If you’re wondering why your relationship isn’t full of the passion and joy you used to have, it may very well be that you have let the fun die.

And when the fun dies, the entire relationship often goes with it. After all, fun helps keep your marriage glued together because it strengthens the emotional connection between you and your spouse.

To keep your marriage nourished requires having or creating fun experiences with your partner. Of course, you need to carve the time to make this happen.

Maybe going out and having a good time is complicated by your hurt and angry feelings. Your bad emotions might feel so intense that you simply don’t think you
can enjoy time with your partner. Another problem may be that you simply have no idea what to do together. You might have a hard time coming up with fun activities. Or, you might have a sense of what you like to do independently, but you have no idea what you could do together.

But if you want to save your marriage, you need to figure it out. You’ll be richly rewarded – with a glowing, positive balance in a certain bank.

The Secret of Successful Couples

So, let’s reveal the secret of those couples who experience conflict like the rest of us and yet their marriages stand the test of time. These couples do one very important thing: they rack up the balance of positive experiences in their marriage to counteract the negative ones.

Think of it as your marriage’s love bank: plenty of deposits in the form of positive, fun experiences and minimal withdrawals in the form of conflict and fights.

Let’s get you started on filling your love bank with the following tips:

Tip 1: Start Small

Don’t begin this process by taking your dream vacation together. Instead, start with something simple like going out together for a cup of coffee, or going for a walk in the park together. You can build your time and pleasurable activities together as your comfort level increases.

Tip 2: Push Your Marriage’s Boundaries

Be gentle with yourselves, but at the same time push to have some fun together. It may be hard at first, especially when you are dealing with so many difficult
problems in your marriage. But if you let the fun die, you are only going to increase your problems.

Tip 3: Brainstorm… Together

For those of you who have a difficult time deciding what to do, or have a hard time coming up with creative date activities, I recommend brainstorming.

Look through your local paper, check in about events that are going on in your community, think about ways you can take advantage of your surroundings (living in the country versus the city will make a big difference in terms of the kinds of local activities you might find), and make a list of every single fun activity you can think of doing with your partner.

Tip 4: Is Lack of Money an Excuse?

If your financial picture is less than stable, here’s a sample list you can use to get your own creative juices flowing:

• Free days at the local museum
• Free concerts in the park
• Community walks
• Hikes
• Garden explorations
• Family days at the local aquarium
• Wine tasting
• Church socials/dinners
• Dances
• Farmers’ markets
• Bike rides
• Have a picnic with or without other friends
• Have a barbeque with or without other friends

As you can see, it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to go out and have fun with your partner. You can spend as much or as little as your budget allows. What’s more, you can spend more or less time having fun depending on what your schedules allow.

My best to you as you and your spouse fill your love bank and save your marriage.

When is the last time you had fun with your spouse? What did you do?

Can you remember when your love bank’s balance shifted and became weighted more to the negative side?

What are things you did before that you enjoyed together? What stops you from doing them this week?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa